Tzaddik headspace

Modern psychology has much to teach us about healthy ways of managing our thoughts and emotions, but so do the mitzvos.

Like a healthy body, the mental benefits with regard to keeping mitzvot are mostly indirect - when you're healthy you're able to serve G-d without the added stress of illness or incapacity. But there are some mitzvot where healthy thinking is almost a prerequisite.

Love your neighbour like yourself

 וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ 
(ויקרא יט:י)

This famous commandment is described in the Gemara as the foundation of the entire Torah. In a plain sense, it obligates us to treat everyone as we would like to be treated. When you contemplate the wording, however, a beautiful facet is revealed.

The commandment does not say you have to love your neighbour more than yourself. Intrinsically, a person loves himself more than any other entity around them. If someone tells you that they love someone more than they love themselves they are probably deluded or seriously mentally ill or both.

What's more, is that the wording implies the more you love yourself the more you can love your neighbour. If you have a healthy self-love and appreciation you will be comfortable extending the concern you have for yourself to others. Conversely, if your self-worth is lacking you will not be able to broaden yourself to empathise with others.

Do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge

לֹא-תִקֹּם וְלֹא-תִטֹּר אֶת-בְּנֵי עַמֶּךָ
(ויקרא יט:יח)

There's a classic example to illustrate the difference between these two commandments: you ask to borrow your neighbour's axe, but for no good reason he won't let you have it. Then the next day he asks to borrow your plough.

• If you refuse because he didn't lend you his axe yesterday, this is taking revenge.
• If you do lend it to him, but add "see how I lend you things even though you don't", this is bearing a grudge.

In the second case, even though you didn't act on your resentment, your words indicate you still bear a grudge against your neighbour for what he did. To properly fulfill the commandment you need to completely erase his actions from your heart.

Now the mitzvah doesn't apply where he directly damaged you, or withheld something he was obligated to give you. In that case you're fully entitled to take action in response. But where he didn't do you a favour, you have to somehow forget and ignore it and show him the same courtesy as before he let you down.

Fundamental to this mitzvah is the distinction between what is Din and what is Lifnim Mishuras haDin – what is Law and what is Beyond the Letter of the Law. You need to appreciate what behaviour is required and what is extra. Politeness, civility and societal norms are required. Friendliness, kindness and consideration are not. We wouldn't want to live in a society where no one was considerate, but it doesn't change the fact that so long as someone doesn't damage you there is no requirement for them to show you consideration. They don't have to hold the door for you. They don't have to let you in the traffic. They don't have to crack a smile. And they don't have to lend you their stuff. And it's a mitzvah to just let it go.

No one said it's easy. The Talmud describes those who hear themselves insulted and withhold retort as strong as the rising sun. That strength takes a lot of patient, difficult work.

In maturing to be able to fulfill this mitzvah, independence and strong personal boundaries are essential. You need to feel comfortable managing your responsibilities on your own and also be able to disassociate from your neighbour's selfishness. If you panic when your support is suddenly taken away, you will not easily accept his refusal. If you feel personally attacked when someone won't cooperate, you won't be able to let go of the incident. And as long as you feel you're entitled to his help and attention, only resentment will follow when he doesn't give it.

A healthy psychology is a great aid, and sometimes essential, in fulfilling many of the mitzvot between man and his fellow. What's worth exploring for every Jew is using the mitzvot as direction for our psychological growth instead of the other way around. It's hard to imagine a real Tzaddik who hasn't internalised the best of psychological habits of thought, but not everyone who's emotionally mature serves Hashem with a full heart. Perhaps it's time to consider Hashem's commandments as a template for best living for ourselves just as much as the advice of the most popular of pop psychologists.